Bollockology

Pay rise

Tue, 16 Jun 2009 16:51:06 GMT

You know you are underpaid when you see a Mclaren SLR in your staff car park...

Sat, 13 Jun 2009 11:21:36 GMT

Cleaners should not have body odour. Discuss.

Return on Investment

Wed, 11 Feb 2009 15:04:03 GMT

Natwest spends about 40p in postage every month to tell me that I have earned 1p in interest. No wonder UK banks are bankrupt.

Sun, 01 Feb 2009 18:52:28 GMT

It's strange seeing your parents on Facebook...

Tue, 30 Dec 2008 16:59:46 GMT

As we trickle into the last hours of 2008, I wish everyone a decent 2009.
It's not predicted to be good - but hey, as long as you make better use of it than the year before...

Gong xi fa cai.

Quote of the Day: "Why are they playing OLDIES?" (Debbie Gibson is how current!)

Double or Nothing

Thu, 04 Dec 2008 14:25:30 GMT

I noticed while window shopping in Marks & Spencer's (because I'm old) the other day that the majority of Christmas cards were either "Merry Christmas Mom" or "Merry Christmas Dad" - very few "Merry Christmas Mom & Dad".

So are these Hallmark rip offs trying to make people buy 2 cards instead of 1 or is this a reflection of society today - more and more single parents?

Wed, 03 Dec 2008 17:17:31 GMT

I don't see how Dubai can be a first world country when my TV goes blank whenever it rains.

Intelligence?

Wed, 26 Nov 2008 15:42:34 GMT

Why is it in all these CIA movies, when a dossier of secretly-taken photos is handed over, they're always in Black & White? Are we still in the 1940s?

Thu, 06 Nov 2008 18:29:35 GMT

While everyone was hard at work today, the smell of gas started wafting through the office. I, with my blocked morning nose, was the last to smell it. One colleague tried to look for the source of the gas, another called Maintenance and another went to tell the boss.

Boss came out of his office saying, "Are you sure it's not just his (referring to me) aftershave?".

Colleague eventually tracked down a security guard who suspected that there were contractors spraying the building with pesticides (could they not have waited 4 hours till the weekend??).

At this point, two technicians appeared with a ladder and a screwdriver. Because in this land of un-trained workers, it seemed like they were going to, in my colleague's words, "screw the smell away". They opened up a vent and one stuck his head into the hole whereby another colleague offered, "is this their solution to getting rid of the smell? Sending a guy to BREATHE in all the gas? kinda like when you fart in a lift and think that if you breathe deeply enough, no one else will smell it.."

Another colleague suggested we take an early lunch in case pesticides were really blowing through the aircon system since "the pesticides used in this country are probably not approved by any authority apart from Saddam Hussein's chemical weapons programme"

Boy am I glad the weekends here. But I'm also glad I have such hilarious colleagues...

Eggciting news

Fri, 31 Oct 2008 19:48:55 GMT

Why do eggs have expiry dates?

Don't they only expire when you open your fridge and find chicks in there?

Something tells me I've posted this before...

Credit Crunch

Fri, 17 Oct 2008 15:19:58 GMT

I can tell the state of the global economy by the fact that my SPAM folder now contains more "Consolidate your debts" type emails than "Pleasure your lady with 2 more inches" type emails.

Because I'm bored

Sat, 11 Oct 2008 18:45:24 GMT

Been on 25 flights this year - flying a total of 112,000km. That's 2.75 times around the earth (at the equator).

Overheard at the lobby

Sat, 04 Oct 2008 12:50:15 GMT

Singaporean: What's the name of this hotel?
Reception: Hotel Zeus
Singaporean: Harh?
Reception: Zeus
Singaporean: Jews?
Reception: Zee-use
Singaporean: Orgh. Juice.
Reception: Yes sir.

Wed, 01 Oct 2008 11:56:28 GMT

You know you're getting old when you actually find shirts at Marks & Spencers quite nice.

Earthquake

Wed, 10 Sep 2008 12:33:23 GMT

We had a power failure this afternoon in the office. Twice.

And then an hour later, my desk moved and the floor started swaying and the ceiling started creaking and we realised it was an earthquake - probably in Iran.

All in all, a fairly eventful afternoon.

Colleague 1: Well, at least we know that our building is...
Colleague 2: WOBBLY?
Colleague 1: What next? A plague of locusts in the car park?

Out of Pocket

Tue, 26 Aug 2008 18:48:33 GMT

I just sent my watch in for servicing. Why does servicing my watch cost more than servicing my CAR?

When (5) stars collide

Sat, 09 Aug 2008 09:56:11 GMT

The obligatory National Day Post

I'm making myself comfortable, ready to watch the Parade starting in about an hour. Earlier today, I went to the supermarket and bought back lunch and snacks to see me through the afternoon.

But it's not so easy. I can't press a button and get Channel 5's live broadcast on 42 inches of plasma on my living room wall. I can't run to the balcony to watch the F16s scream past or the fireworks.

Going to the balcony immediately reminds you that you are not in Singapore. The hot shamal wind is blowing sand into your eyes, which are already melting from the 42 degree heat. The muezzin is calling the faithful to afternoon prayers.

And 2 days ago, I turned down a request to be interviewed by the local newspaper. Mostly because I'm media shy, but mostly because I had this vision of being asked 'how are you planning to celebrate it?' and I didn't think it would be very impressive if I told them the truth and said 'well, i'll be hopefully be watching the live webcast on my laptop at home alone after making sure I've downloaded the required ActiveXFlashPlugInPlayer5.4.3.2...'

Here's some interesting numbers - I've lived 100% of my adult life outside Singapore. 30% of my entire life. 20% of SINGAPORE'S entire life.

I just read Adrian Tan's speech at NTU's convocation and although it smacked of Steve Jobs' , I was proud that such a strong, insightful, anti-establishment and humorous message could come from the mouth of a Singaporean (In case anyone hasn't read it, drop me a note and I'll forward it to you).

"Don't aim to be average" is something that gave me some consolation. Singaporean life is pretty predictable. You go to a good school, do your national service, graduate, propose, buy a flat (or propose BY buying a flat), get married, pro-create and the cycle starts again.

The first half of my life was pretty 'average' but then it kinda got derailed when I decided to live on a farm which subsequently led me to the desert. But when I eventually go back, wife-less, property-less, I'll be armed with life-changing experiences...but mostly useless information - how to pick up a hedgehog safely, the Shariah-compliant way to beat one's wife, the type of sand to avoid driving into, etc. I'll find it hard to fit in but I know, as Kit Chan tells me, that Singapore is home, truly.

Right now, I have about 5 minutes left to try and figure out why the audio and video of the webcast are streaming at different speeds.

Gong Xi Fa Cai!

Outbursts 2

Thu, 19 Jun 2008 18:36:18 GMT

"He looks like a chipmunk wearing underwear two sizes too small..."

Wishing Sight to the Blind

Wed, 18 Jun 2008 15:21:38 GMT

I found myself wishing that Jose Feliciano would recover his eyesight.

Not so that he could live a normal life, but so he could see how ridiculous he looks when he performs.

How hot exactly is it in hell?

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 13:43:17 GMT

"But he looks like the love child of a goat and a long bean!"

And other things you shouldn't say out loud.

Sun, 15 Jun 2008 04:00:31 GMT

Wisdom I would impart to my children.

a) Nice guys usually finish last

b) Always learn CPR

Random? I think not.

Roasted Backside

Tue, 03 Jun 2008 14:00:29 GMT

Black car, black trim, black leather seats.
Not a good idea in summer...

Ballet Rocks

Mon, 12 May 2008 19:19:32 GMT

At first, I thought I had stumbled upon a sure fire way to make money - stage a ballet. I had paid 41 euro to watch a ballet at the Bastille in Paris and all I could think of during the first 'part' was trying to estimate the revenues - 800 people paying an average of 30 euros each... 24,000 euros a night.

The costs seemed small, apart from the rental of the venue. There was not a single prop, just three dancers prancing around in one-piece swimsuits, a conductor and a small orchestra. And I was paying their rent.

What exactly is the point of ballet - to show how flexible you are? Sure, some of the stuff is pretty impressive and I did catch myself wondering how many times I can spin around when I jump up before I land.

And why do the females have to totter about painfully on tiptoes while the men just prance around imitating what seems to be the mating ritual of the Greater Madagascan Pelican.

However after about 20 minutes, more and more ballerinas started appearing on stage until it started to look like the swimsuit competition of the Miss Universe pageant. The 10 men however (ballerinos?) all seemed to be homosexual, with a 24-inch waist and tights that displayed the topography of Genitaland for all to see whether they are circumcised or not.

Two hours in, and I was losing the will to live. The random Vietnamese lady playing the cymbal who had three clashes to make in the whole performance had long fallen asleep and I just couldn't help wondering why ballerinas' movements always have to start in one direction before going in the intended direction in a big flourish. If they cut that out, the damn performance could be 10% shorter.

Caption Competition

Sat, 29 Mar 2008 12:35:32 GMT

For my 2 remaining readers...Sure can win consolation prize...

Low Rider

Fri, 28 Mar 2008 16:20:52 GMT

Sometimes I wish my car weren't so low...